4 Tips For Reducing Social Anxiety Today
Conquering Social Anxiety
As a therapist in private practice one of the most common concerns I am hearing about is social anxiety. This drastically increased after COVID which didn’t help anyone who struggled with any form of anxiety. People with social anxiety typically struggle with intense fears of being judged by others or being perceived as socially awkward. This can lead to a complete avoidance of anything socially which only serves to intensify the fears. People then have the tendency to shame or belittle themselves for the fears, and it can become an endless cycle.
However, there are things that can be done to break this cycle and make it manageable. If it becomes too difficult to manage on your own, then I highly suggest seeking out professional help from a therapist who can assist you in this process. You would seek help from a doctor with a medical condition, and this shouldn’t be viewed any differently.
Take a hard look at your foundational beliefs about yourself that are contributing to your social anxiety.
We internalize things in childhood and beyond that become running scripts in our minds that we begin to assume are true. These become thoughts about ourselves that are often negative and hold us back. If you believe you are not good enough, not “good in social situations,” or other similar beliefs then it will hold you back. You will seek to avoid these situations because you do not want to put your inadequacies on display for others to see. Without facing these faulty thoughts nothing will change. Try an exercise where you sit down with paper and pencil and really examine what you are thinking about in social situations. It may even be best to try this right after an event for a fresh memory.
Identify as many negative beliefs that you can determine guide you in social situations.
Identify where you think those beliefs came from. Childhood bullying? Things that parents told you?
What have you told yourself about these beliefs that now guides you in all social situations? For example: ‘My mother berated me for my weight, so now I feel like everyone new that I meet is thinking about how overweight I am.’
Now, the key is….how can I confront this belief and change the script so that I can face social situations more confidently? Using the example above I could say, ‘My mother had issues of her own. Most people are not harshly judging me like my mother. What do I think of new people in social situations, or am I too busy thinking about myself to critique them? This is probably true for most people I meet. I won’t give any more attention to my mother’s harsh criticism that came from a place of insecurity on her part.’
2. Practice being attentive to others and asking them questions in social situations.
Many people love to talk about themselves. It’s true. Have you ever noticed that if you can ask someone enough questions about their profession, family, or hobbies that they often will continue to talk and seemingly not notice you have said very little? However, at the end of the conversation probably feel like you are a great conversationalist. This is because many people like to talk about things they are comfortable about…themselves. They also like to talk to someone they perceive is a good listener. Most people aren’t good listeners these days. We are too busy trying to think about what we are going to say next. Next time try….
Asking about their career, family, hobbies, and then really listen. Continue asking questions and show a true interest. This takes the pressure off of you and if you are working intently to listen, then you are not as focused on worrying what others think of you. Try it. It really works. And, if there is a pause in the conversation do not feel you must immediately fill up that space. It happens. People appreciate being heard and talking to someone who doesn’t feel they must dominate every moment with their own words.
3. The negative thoughts will come, but they do not have to overpower you. Learn to control them and not let them overpower the situation.
Anxiety doesn’t just go away, but we can show it who the boss is. You may find yourself in a good conversation and old talk tracks come back. ‘They probably think that I am weird. They think that I look fat in this dress. That was a stupid thing to ask.’ You do not need to focus on changing these thoughts. They are just thoughts and they will come sometimes. Remind yourself in that moment that you are working on listening to the person talking. You are asking questions and being a good listener. These are old thoughts that are inaccurate and I will continue to focus on what this person is saying instead. They may be there but you do not need to grab onto them and assume they are truth. We already established previously that they are faulty beliefs.
4. Practice makes perfect. The only way to get better is to practice by facing social situations.
Most of us never got better at driving by reading about it, watching others, or watching online. The only way to get better was to drive, make mistakes, learn from those mistakes, and keep getting back behind the wheel. Eventually we found it easier and we became more experienced. We may still not always enjoy certain driving situations, but we now have the experience to navigate them. Social anxiety works the same way. If we continously avoid social situations, then we reinforce the fear. The only way…seriously the only way…to get better is to practice. Considering the driving analogy perhaps we start driving in a less crowded area rather than hitting the interstate first thing. So, this may look like a smaller social gathering that is less intimidating. However, it is in our best interest to keep expanding to larger social situations. This will give us experience and confidence to keep going and continue busting through these faulty thoughts that hold us back. This doesn’t mean we won’t battle the thoughts at times but we will have more confidence and experience to realize that they don’t define us.
Social anxiety is a real and difficult situation but the important thing to realize is that you are in control. I am in control. We can get better at this and not allow it to hinder our lives. Facing it head on and continuing to do so will strengthen you. You will make mistakes but most people do not notice these nearly as much as you do. Remind yourself of that and keep moving. Now, look at your calendar and get some activities planned.